I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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