walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
