how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
