i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
