my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
