just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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