i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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