I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
