evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
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