Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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