Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
