If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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