So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think my vagina is haunted
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
