I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
