I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
