so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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