I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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