nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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