it wasn't lemon gatorade
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Randomize
