...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Randomize
