I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I love you.
Bad choice
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
