last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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