ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
