uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
