he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
