There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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