Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
