I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
