our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
