im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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