I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
