k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
