she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
