I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
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