It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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