a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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