so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
