he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
