What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
