We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
