Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
