Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
