Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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