Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize