I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
