i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
