True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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