It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
