Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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