btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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