I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
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