mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize