I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
