i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
