Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize