I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
