Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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