why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
