Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
