I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
