Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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