I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize